Holy Spirit Found in Area Man’s Basement

Written by Mark Van Steenwyk : April 11, 2008

hsbottle.jpgPolice discovered the Holy Spirit trapped inside an area man’s home on Tuesday morning. Police raided the home of Larry Thompson, age 53, after a neighbor noticed “strange sounds” coming from the man’s basement. There, police discovered the Holy Spirit, trapped in an large glass bottle.

Missing since 1986, the Holy Spirit has been a misunderstood, mysterious, force in the world of Christian thought. Police only began searching for the Holy Spirit recently, since no one had filed a mission persons report.

“We didn’t know he was gone,” said Pastor Lynn Spalding of Trinity Lutheran Church. “Our faith doesn’t require the validation of experience.”

Oddly enough, even local Assembly of God pastor Frank Ortiz didn’t realize that the Holy Spirit had been kidnapped. “We just assumed that he was withholding his presence from us until we were worthy for revival,” said the Pentecostal minister.

When local Baptist pastor Charles Graham was told that the Holy Spirit had been found, he expressed surprise: “You mean there actually IS a Holy Spirit?”

Thompson tried ransoming the Holy Spirit several times between 1986 and 1995, but Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, and Pentecostal leadership were unwilling to pay the $250,000 ransom price. As ransom attempts failed, Thompson stored the Holy Spirit away in his basement for “safe keeping.”

According to early reports, Thompson “completely forgot about the Holy Spirit” until several months ago, when the Spirit started to groan wordlessly. Eventually, the groans became loud enough to upset neighbors.

The Holy Spirit isn’t pressing charges.

Editor’s Note: Don’t worry, the Holy Spirit should be recovered enough to make his regular annual appearance at Pentecost on May 11. In honor of this esteemed day: don’t forget your submission to the Pentecost Writing Competition! And don’t forget. We need regular submissions to keep the content flowing as well.

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