Home-Grown Insurgency Group A Growing Concern

Written by thomturner : March 11, 2008

perino1.jpgOn late Monday night, as the media fixated political coverage on the Eliot Spitzer prostitute scandal and the merry-go-round primary struggles of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, the White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino, held a briefing on the next stage in the war on terror:

“Thank you all for coming. My statement will be brief, followed by a time for questions. Based on classified information reviewed by the NSA and CIA, there appears to be a home-grown terrorist group known as the Kingdom of God preparing an ‘insurgency’ through the radicalization of flag waving, patriotic Christians. Though this information remains classified, several of the group’s documents have leaked to the public in recently published books called Everything Must Change and Jesus for President. Everyone knows there is only one President of the United States, and it is not Jesus, it is George W. Bush. The FBI has raised the terror alert to red for all police precincts near the coffee shops and pubs these groups are known to be meeting at. Since these insurgents say their citizenship is in the ‘kingdom of God’ they are not to be treated as US citizens and may be subject to extraordinary rendition. Over the coming weeks I will be keeping the media informed of the clandestine operations being carried out against this group. That is all. The floor is open to questions.”

Reporter: “Hi, I am Al from ABC Washington. I was wondering if the leaders of this group have been identified?”

Perino: “They have, but their names are classified. The authors of Everything Must Change and Jesus for President are on the list of suspects, but they appear to be the distributors of these ideas and not the actual insurgents themselves. This is a sneaky bunch.”

Reporter: “Hi, I was wondering what these insurgents are fighting for?”

Perino: “These insurgents appear to be against the freedom and democratic values that America stands for. We are a nation founded on the Christian principles of security, equity, and prosperity, and these insurgents appear to be against such things. They hate the American dream, and insist that the ‘first become last, and the last become first,’ and we find that to be a bunch of hogwash. Inherent in their politicization of the Kingdom of God, they feel that there should be a kingdom and not a democracy. To be against democracy is not just un-American, it is un-Christian. The FBI, CIA, and Department of Defense are working covertly through economic and psychological warfare to counter the radicalization of Christians who then join this group.”

Reporter: “Hello. If the insurgents in this group are citizens of the Kingdom of God, do they have duel citizenship in the US or are they to be considered enemy combatants?”

Perino: “Were you paying attention? I said they could be subject to extraordinary rendition, therefore they are not US citizens. These people have revoked there rights as US citizens by not participating in the global capitalist system and spreading propaganda that smells of communism. We have been unable to find the exact geographic location of the Kingdom of God, but when we do the US military is prepared to act first through maintaining an economic embargo, and other means as necessary.”

Reporter: “So if the Kingdom of God is found to be working against the peaceful ways of the United States, is the President’s administration is prepared to take military action?

Perino: “A preemptive strike is not out of the question.”

Reporter: “Well…if such a preemptive strike was to occur against the Kingdom of God, what would be the administration’s goals?”

Perino: “Technically, if this insurgency continues, America should invade the Kingdom of God and establish a democracy. I believe that’s our current policy.

“I would like to thank you all for coming; there will be no more questions at this time. God Bless the United States of America.”


The author would like to thank Gary Crompton for the ideas behind this piece. Gary can be found roaming the hills of Scranton looking for Dwight Schrute.

Author Bio:: Thom Turner is an English Literature graduate student at Rutgers University. He is the Editor of Everyday Liturgy, a community blog discussing the intersection of liturgy, theology, and culture. Thom also is the leader of EmergentNJ, the emergent cohort of Northern New Jersey.

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14 Responses to “Home-Grown Insurgency Group A Growing Concern”

  1. Sara on March 11th, 2008 4:53 pm

    This is a great piece of satire…my favorite line is:

    Perino: “Technically, if this insurgency continues, America should invade the Kingdom of God and establish a democracy. I believe that’s our current policy.”

    Priceless. Priceless, but sad.

  2. Erik on March 11th, 2008 5:50 pm


  3. mountainguy on March 11th, 2008 6:04 pm

    “We have been unable to find the exact geographic location of the Kingdom of God”

    hahahaha, that’s the funniest. According to the scriptures “The kingodom of God is within you”… then how could it be found? using GIS systems? hahahaha. nice satire.

  4. Mark Van Steenwyk on March 11th, 2008 6:07 pm

    Nice work. I love the dry subtleties of this article. Its my kind of satire.

  5. Maria Kirby on March 11th, 2008 8:28 pm

    I’m sorry. I found it eerie. Islam is not the only religion with extremists ready to use terror. I wish there was a way we could reach out to our fellow Christians who are moving in that direction and some how prevent such atrocities, rather than leaving it to the government to react to after the fact.

    I’m very wary of Christians who believe in the Kingdom of God such that they set up their own little fiefdoms. And I don’t find the politicking in concensus groups an improvement over a democratically run system. It’s a good thing God gives us so much grace.

  6. Josh Koskinen on March 11th, 2008 10:42 pm

    Great piece of satire. The sad fact is that most of it is truth. The line that brings this sad fact to a reality is, “To be against democracy is not just un-American, it is un-Christian”. The church has really adopted this statement into truth. When is the church going to drop this philosophy and start to live the Kingdom rather than presenting that they want to live it, voting on whether they should live it or not, and than casting a second vote to make sure they made the right choice? Church voters…..sit down and shut up, live the kingdom without democracy or programming.

  7. Anthony Golden on March 12th, 2008 7:02 am

    The beauty of this article is the fact that although the world may see us as terrorists for standing against the Babylon we find ourselves surrounded by, our weapons are nothing else but the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. We should expect to be persecuted by the world we’re in, for we do not play their sandbox games (politics, war, capitalism, etc.) and they will resent that.

  8. Casey Ochs on March 12th, 2008 4:47 pm

    This wonderful piece of satire may very likely be prophetic.

  9. Marking Time on March 12th, 2008 8:44 pm

    A great piece. Thom might have the makings of a far-reaching viral email here, if he (or somebody) takes the time to put together a growable network and good distribution plan. Any thoughts on that strategy… the pluses and minuses of trying that route?

  10. joe troyer on March 14th, 2008 6:40 am

    wow. well done. a little scary, but nice.

  11. WiNG on March 14th, 2008 8:27 am

    I followed this link from a friend’s AIM profile, so I’ll just say that this piece is bizarre at best. I can’t tell who is being made to look ridiculous.

    I suppose the message is that Americans valuing democracy over religion is getting to the point of declaring an outright war on God.

    That’s a lovely idea. Have fun living in a feudal theocracy.

  12. mountainguy on March 14th, 2008 9:45 am


    1. I don’t think its a critic of democracy itself. It’s more like a critic about a country that seems to be democratic, but in the praxis is more a lot of bullshit (hey: constitutional monarchies like Sweden are a lot more democratic than the evil empire: USA).

    2. Those guys that would like to live in a feudal theocracy (i. e. right-winged evangelicals) are the same who claim that USA is a democracy (though they always vote for republican party). We are not theocratic in the classic sense (like Iran government). We are more pacifist anti-state, anti-institutions, anarchist-like christians.

  13. Everyday Liturgy on March 14th, 2008 2:23 pm

    Some Satire for Saturday…

  14. Threads from Henry’s Web » Home-Grown Insurgents? on March 14th, 2008 7:30 pm

    […] This is funny. And thought provoking. […]

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