New Christian Legislation–A Return to our Roots

Written by coldfire136 : December 31, 2007

There is much news on the new legislation created by Christian Congressman Phuny Guy. Guy ran on a conservative platform in his home state of Texas, and now is a leading member in trying to get distinctly Christian legislation through the house.

“There has been much talk about Lions escaping from zoo cages lately,” the congressman noted yesterday on Capitol Hill. “It has reminded us that we need to get back to the roots of Christianity.”

What are these roots that the congressman is talking about?

“Back in the good ol’ days,” the congressman continued. “Christians and Jews were fed to lions, and we just think that with all these debates on how to begin revival in the church, we should think about getting back to our roots. I am passionately campaigning for new legislation that would allow again for Christians to be fed to the lions at all of our local zoos.”

And the congressman is dead serious. Not only does he admit that we can save the zoo some money on lion foot, but he is gung-ho for what he calls old-fashioned “lion legislation.”

“I mean, c’mon,” he yelled at a conference with the Moral Majority. “What good has come since Constantine? We witnessed the dark ages, we fought crusades, and now we have a Christian president who has gotten us into Iraq. As a political leader, I am calling out Christians like George Bush. Would you be willing to go back to the way things were?”

The congressman also notes the great good that this will do for the church.

“Back home in Texas, most Christians think of Christianity as a ‘Sunday thing.’ All I want to do is make Christianity an everyday thing. That is why, according to the proposed bill, anyone claiming to be a Christian can be arrested immediately, sent to prison, and then, if he does not deny his faith, fed to the lions. It would surely root out back-sliding and half-hearted commitments to Christ.”

But not everyone is happy about the congressman’s audacity. An anonymous Christian university president in Valencia, CA is furious about the claim.

“He is trying to add works to salvation!” the anonymous Christian president said militantly. “Salvation comes through faith in Christ Jesus alone, not whether he is able to stand up for Christ in times of adversity! Works have no part in Christianity! Like Paul said so long ago, I think this man is accursed for what he believes.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” said atheist Jim in New York. “I’m tired of hearing about all this Christian crap. This ought to get rid of them for sure. I hope they start the hunt with George Bush.”

“This is horrible,” say Christian Iluvgod Rogers of Massachusetts. “Didn’t they do that in the dark ages? Christianity shouldn’t be treated like some secret society. If they do this, they’d better know that I will take up my right to bear arms and kill anyone who arrests me based on my religion. We have freedom of religion in this country!”

Despite such opposition, the congressman is continuing to go around the country gaining support for such a bill to go through congress. Even the presidential candidates are talking about it.

“We don’t need more legislation,” said Barack Obama earlier today. “We need more people willing to believe in hope for the future. I am that hope for the future! I have the audacity to believe that hope is the answer!”

“I am outraged,” said presidential hopeful Rudy Guliani. “We are fighting a war on terror, and this congressman wants to waste our money on domestic issues. This just goes to show how important the war on terror is.”

When the reporter noted that he was not asking about the war on terror, but whether or not he thought the legislation was well thought out, Guliani turned around and kept reminding the audience that he was mayor of New York City when 9/11 happened.

Ron Paul had a different answer.

“I am the champion of the constitution,” Ron Paul argued. “And the constitution doesn’t say anything about Christianity, so neither do I. In fact, I think all legislation should be done away with and we should NOT return to the roots of Christianity, but the roots of America. This is an American nation. Not a Christian nation.”

Whatever side you are on, we must admit that congressman Phuny Guy is drawing quite a stir in the political arena.

Author Bio:: Danny is a senior at Azusa Pacific University studying social science, with a minor in youth ministry and Biblical studies. He keeps a blog at:

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3 Responses to “New Christian Legislation–A Return to our Roots”

  1. Jonathan Brink on January 1st, 2008 1:00 am

    Now that was good satire. Very funny Danny.

  2. mountainguy on January 1st, 2008 6:48 pm

    It was too fuckng honest and too fuckng cool. Of course, I wouldn’t like to be lion’s food, but being honest, is much easier to be a “real christian” facing persecution than leading one.

  3. Sara Harding on January 3rd, 2008 1:15 pm

    It might work for awhile, but I reckon the animal rights activists would soon have something to say about the lack of nutritional value in the lions’ new diet.

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