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Outlaw Caroling NOW!

Written by Brandon.D.Rhodes : November 30, 2008

As a proud consumer and patriot, I am thrilled that political-correctness has removed the most explicitly Jesus-related songs from America’s stores, malls, schools, and squares.  For too long these imminently dangerous songs have been permitted to assault shoppers’ ears with their radical un-American agenda.  That today’s shoppers, students, and citizens are now limited to hearing only the pliant canticles of reindeer and jolly snowmen should bring warming comforts to all concerned Americans.  But we still have much work to do.

Let us consider three of these dissident ditties.  First, an old hymn called “O Holy Night“:

… Behold your King!  Before the lowly bend.  Behold your King!

America is a republic, not a monarchy.  To suggest there should be a king here should be considered an open assault against the office of the Presidency.  President-Elect Obama needs all the help he can get in the days ahead, particularly in such troubling economic times.  Yet this treasonous tune shrieks on:

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Do these carolers not want America to be strong?  This sounds like dangerous anti-business, anti-America propaganda aimed at emboldening the enemy with a “gospel of peace”, and opposing the free market.  Why should any of us be forced to hear suggestions that we love one another?  Why, while shopping, should we have to think about peace?  And what does slavery have to do with my made-in-China purchases?  Don’t these daft fools know that democracy and strong national security are what make oppression cease?

Yet that is but one song.  Now, consider the song “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing“:

“Glory to the newborn King
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled!”
Joyful, all ye nations rise;
Join the triumph of the skies;

Again this claim that there is another sovereign than the one established by the Constitution.  What seditious songs are these!  Though in this age of science and reason we know better than the fairy-tales they adorn these carols with - yet they seem to take this allegiance with utter severity!  Make no mistake: carolers identify themselves as an un-American insurgency.  Patriots should give them the expatriation their songs imply and anticipate.

We must underscore, moreover, that giving stuff is the reason for the season.  What unconscionable devilry stews about in these troublesome door-to-door dissidents, that they would want to subvert our festal cornucopia of iPods and gas cards with a holiday about peace on earth?  True Americans abhor such malicious attacks upon our economy, our way of life, and our most sacred and profitable holiday.

Lastly, noble reader, I disclose with much discomfort and moral turmoil the lyrics of one “Joy to the World“:

Joy to the world! The Lord is come.
Let earth receive her King

Joy to the world, the Saviour reigns
Let Saints their songs employ
While fields and floods
rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy

He rules the world with truth and grace

Joy has already come to the world, and it is the American Dream.  What joy this Jesus may give as an interior, mystical so-called “warm-fuzzy feeling” is all fine and well.  But this absurd notion that the caroler’s feeble myth can commit any more joy upon the brotherhood of man than is available to the inner person through any other religious path must be exposed for the foolishness it is!  The thinking, contemplative person sees immediately that it is democracy, technology, and consumer capitalism that bring joy to the world.  Nintendos, not dead Rabbis, repeat such sounding joys as our youth can make.  Carolers insisting that this rogue sovereign brings joy to even the fields would deny that great rallying cry of our entertainment-driven way of life, “Yes Wii can!”

Our economy and nation are in troubled times.  And in troubled times we as a people must resist any songs that might give us pause from our united effort in the twinkling trenches of our malls to make the American economy strong again.  We must continue to trend toward a thing-oriented holiday instead of a people-oriented holiday, if we are ever to again claim our stake in history as a city set on a hill.

We should be thankful, too, that more Christians have not caught on to the seemingly blatant unAmericanism of their carols.  And it is these social quirks that we must leverage with nuance and zeal in the name of the Republic and the cause of blustering consumerism.  Indeed, in the councils of secular society, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the Jesus-compassion complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.  We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our holiday-season liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted.  Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge consumer and military machinery of America with our dying and increasingly sterile religions of old, so that Caged Spirituality and the Liberated Consumer may prosper together.

We must therefore be ever the more thankful for the patriotic Americans who have worked tirelessly to remove Jesus and his unAmerican agenda from Christmas.  Our hearts go out to those who have sacrificed so much to ensure that our nation’s shopping masses need never feel in their souls the sharp jolt of the carolers’ promise that another world isn’t just possible, but broke through on Christmas night.  Political correctness has helped keep America strong; it has girded the loins of our empire, and so helped birth and preserve this new American century.

The work ahead of us is plain to see, if this consumerist way of life is not to perish from the earth.  Sometimes, the way may not be clear.  Yet we have an inspiring advocate and example, a model who has in recent history gone ahead of us to show today’s patriots the way forward in this long War Against Caroling –  under apartheid in South Africa, it was illegal to sing Christmas carols.  America would be wise to follow.

DO NOT BE CAUGHT SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS NEAR THE FOLLOWING:

  • shopping malls
  • military recruitment centers
  • big banks
  • strip malls
  • car dealerships

IT WILL BE THE PATRIOTIC DUTY OF EVERY AMERICAN TO STOP YOU FROM SINGING SUCH FILTH AND TREASON IN OUR NATION’S MOST SACRED HALLS.

Brandon Rhodes lives, works, writes, and worships in Portland, Oregon. He enjoys long conversations over coffee, yerba maté, and beer. He is also one of the co-editors at Jesus Manifesto.


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Comments

Viewing 5 Comments

    • ^
    • v
    that was awesome.
    • ^
    • v
    Amen. These wretched peacemongers must be stopped at all costs.
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    • v
    'Tis not merely the carols which incite such anti-democratic venom, but their true source, which is known alternately as the Bible, the scriptures, or the conjoining of Old & New Testaments.

    These texts state, amongst other things, state that:

    For unto us a Child is born,
    Unto us a Son is given;
    And the government will be upon His shoulder.
    And His name will be called
    Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
    Of the increase of His government and peace
    There will be no end,
    Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom,
    To order it and establish it with judgment and justice
    From that time forward, even forever.
    The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.

    This king of theirs, a long dead icon known as Jesus claims in their texts that “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth."

    I posit that we remove these infidels, these religious terrorists from our borders before they beget the downfall of our very society.
    • ^
    • v
    How clever! "Yes Wii Can"--love it. I have heard very few carolers in my life. Caroling seems more peaceful and inspiring than the aggressively commercialized Christmas "celebrations" (read: marketing) promoted by some.
    • ^
    • v
    I love it man...these kinds of anti-american activities need to be stopped, I would hate to think how the america would look if these crazies got their way.
 

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