And I can see why people don't always see grace in the idea of such a “state of being.” The concept of a life of penitence fits well with the social and economic critique that shows how dependent and entwined we are with the oppressive systems around us. That does seem like something we can struggle all our lives to extricate ourselves from (all the while admitting we will never be completely free). But is this the good news Jesus lived and preached?

Jesus' call to repent always included the possibility of immediate forgiveness and freedom from the fault we discover binding us. Because he offered it as a gift. By God's power, God's grace. And he showed us that the life of the kingdom could be lived right now, also a gift to us. The call to repent always included the offer of the kingdom of God now, in this moment.

Compared to that, a life of penitence may seem more heroic, but not more grace-filled. Or more Christlike.

First of all, I believe we already have been given grace and are released. That is foundational to me. I always feel a bit wary with this kinds of discussions because someone ultimately always frames the issue in terms of working or accepting grace. My understanding is that I am empowered to embrace the Kingdom of God (which I long for) because of grace. I can do that free from the anxiety of trying to prove myself, or of making myself acceptable before I receive love because of grace. I can try very hard things and not try hard things and still wake up everyday and not be totally despondent because of God's grace. I honestly don't usually say all of that because I have heard people use grace as an excuse so often. I don't think grace excuses us, it can only empower us and give us a proper foundation for action. (The fact that I don't care to develop a clear understanding of heaven and hell and how you get to either may have something to do with my acceptance of that kind of statement. I haven't been convinced yet that the Bible is clear in this area, and I don't understand Jesus or the early Christians as seeming preoccupied with this idea. To me Jesus warned us of the natural consequences of our actions, possibly in conjunction with judgment specifically against those who should know better and still preach a message against God's Kingdom. That's as far as I care to speculate right now, and it doesn't concern me when it comes to my own flesh being weak. I'm sure God can see my longing and so I operate from grace.)

I don't think it is very all that valuable to operate from a place of anxiety/fear when it comes to this kind of things. When you talk about internally beating yourself up, or feeling guilty I get the impression that you are operating from anxiety. Do you long for faithfulness? Do long to be conformed to Christ's mind? Do you have any sense of what God's Kingdom is like, think it is beautiful, and long for its full embodiment? This is what I understand as my proper motivation. It is true that I still sometimes feel anxiety and fear. I hear voices and believe that I must conform to them in order to feel loved. Sometimes this is what those voices believe, and sometimes I have to let those voices know that that is what I hear from them, but I still suspect that in the end, I am the only one in the position to judge whether I am ready to embark on something or not, and I am ultimately the only one responsible for my sense of guilt or acceptance from God. This is not to say that other people who may speak words of guilt or shame to us don't need to be addressed, but it is to say that just because I feel guilty doesn't mean the vision or recommended action isn't good. It just means that I need to attend to myself and deal with some of the issues that cause me to operate out of anxiety.

Again, I hesitate to say that, because this isn't a “before I act I have to have perfectly pure motives” type thing. I have acted even when I felt guilty and I think sometimes that it is better than if I didn't act. Sometimes it is worse. I couldn't be prescriptive here, you have to judge for yourself and within community.

One final thought in response to your post. Its true that all those things you mentioned may not make any difference in your relationships with your neighbors. A lot of those things probably make little difference to many of them. For example, having a grey water system in my house was a great social justice-y, “radical” thing to do but it made one of our housemates (who is fairly marginalized in our community) incredibly uncomfortable. This guy comes from a poor broken family and currently struggles with a disability. He is also pretty arrogant at times, incredibly defensive, machismo and rude. So when he communicates his discomfort with things like a grey water system it is often in a pretty offensive way. Does that mean I ignore him and continue to push my agenda (as good as my agenda is)? In this case, I'd say probably not. Even though I would challenge him and set boundaries when we discuss our differences and problems with each other, I still need to try to submit to his voice and show him respect. In this case suspect that not pushing my own agenda would probably not be a good idea.

Here is the reason… I am, by society's standards (and often, at to my dismay, I think by my own and my community's standards) more respectable than he is. He is constantly having to defend his sense of respect and empowerment. In my relationship with him, I really don't need to do that. As I've engaged him I've realized more and more that I rest in that position calling him to conform to me. That doesn't really do him much justice. There is a lot of areas that we both need to grow in, but an area I could grow in is listening to him and letting myself experience cultural and time discomfort as I try and understand his experience. Again, this doesn't mean I just let him walk all over me. We have to maintain a sense of self that is choosing to submit. I'm not forced to do these things, I choose to do them (as much as I am able) because I recognize it as being good. Sometimes I see that the best thing to do is to challenge him. I think he actually really appreciates that… for him it can represent me engaging him as an equal to challenge him. So again, none of this is prescriptive. It would be really easy if it was, but it more has to do with a posture and awareness of when the power dynamics are changing in a situation. With this guy, I'm often in a place of security in the sense of feeling accepted, knowing that I won't be asked to leave the community, and knowing that I generally have everyone's support when I talk to him. We are trying very hard to communicate to him that he has that same security, but I have to be honest that it isn't always where we operate from and so then I have to try and reorient my position and hear him when he tells me that (in his often brash way).

Anyway, I hope that makes some sense. I know your experience will be different as you deal with different people. I just want to be careful of assuming that anything that is “good” is necessarily the right way to establish a sense of humility and equality in our relationship with people.

Jesus' words as he began his preaching were (as Sarah noted in her title) “Repent, for the kingdom of God has come near.” The repent part is crucial, in our turning from oppressive and self-destructive ways to follow Jesus' teachings and example. But Jesus' example was not a life of penitence. It was a life of freedom and the miraculous power of God. That's what should draw us. That's what we're repenting and turning to, to the incredible life he showed us was possible.

That's the second (and more important) part of his message: “The kingdom of God has come near.” If our desire is to experience this, a much fuller life than wealth or any human power can give us, then our question is not “have I done enough yet?” but “Jesus did that?! Can I do that too?” Like Peter, wanting to step out of the boat and walk on water with Jesus.

To give a more specific and perhaps more practical example, I tried to present Jesus' teachings on work and income in this light, focusing on what we're called to turn to, what Jesus is offering us, in this series of articles here: “Come to me, all ye who labor for a living” (and part 2 and part 3).

Let's just say I do my darndest to release all of who I am and have for the sake of God, self, and the poor. I try to study and research the most faithful ways to shop and purchase. I make pacts and promises to myself to tithe and give offerings. I only shop within walking distance from my house. I open my home up to the community. Anyone can access my time and call on me for a listening ear or a helping hand. I take a job that makes less money. I don't have health insurance or a retirement fund. I don't save. I buy groceries from local farms. I recycle. I share cars. I ride the bus or walk when at all possible, I internally beat myself up because I know I've participating in an oppressive system, I feel guilty for doing anything fun or creative because it requires spending money and time….I do all these things and then they don't really seem to amount to much in world wide scheme of things.

Community members keep on challenging me and say that “at best” we're still living out of our sense of elitism. Neighbors still think I'm rich. I'm paralyzed to act or think or say anything for fear of being non-penitent or selfish or not faithful.

And so, fasting from shopping or the computer or television was once a joyful but now just feels like a burden because it is seemingly not making a difference to me or to God or neighbor.

At what point can we say to ourselves and to each other, “what you're doing here is good and faithful”?

Francis' “Testament” began with “The Lord gave to me, Brother Francis, thus to begin to do penance; for when I was in sin it seemed to me very bitter to see lepers, and the Lord Himself led me amongst them and I showed mercy to them. And when I left them, that which had seemed to me bitter was changed for me into sweetness of body and soul. And afterwards I remained a little and I left the world. And the Lord gave me so much faith in churches that I would simply pray and say thus: “We adore Thee Lord Jesus Christ here and in all Thy churches which are in the whole world, and we bless Thee because by Thy holy cross Thou hast redeemed the world.”

He was called to do penance, and then “left” (which is the very gospel word for “forgive”or “let go of” and so be free of the way of the world, “sin' of “falling short of the mark”) the world.” So “Lady Poverty” became his way of “Perfect Joy!” It was then that he realized why he was called to such “repentance,” —- it way the way of Joy. As another saint said, “To be poor– to rely on God alone, and then comes peace.” And then we are free to love (and act on that love) not from a higher position, but from below, the very place all of us receive God's love, for his love is here, with us all, his love shared amongst us in flesh and blood, even love is all from God– “we love because first God loves us.”