On late Monday night, as the media fixated political coverage on the Eliot Spitzer prostitute scandal and the merry-go-round primary struggles of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, the White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino, held a briefing on the next stage in the war on terror:

“Thank you all for coming. My statement will be brief, followed by a time for questions. Based on classified information reviewed by the NSA and CIA, there appears to be a home-grown terrorist group known as the Kingdom of God preparing an ‘insurgency’ through the radicalization of flag waving, patriotic Christians. Though this information remains classified, several of the group’s documents have leaked to the public in recently published books called Everything Must Change and Jesus for President. Everyone knows there is only one President of the United States, and it is not Jesus, it is George W. Bush. The FBI has raised the terror alert to red for all police precincts near the coffee shops and pubs these groups are known to be meeting at. Since these insurgents say their citizenship is in the ‘kingdom of God’ they are not to be treated as US citizens and may be subject to extraordinary rendition. Over the coming weeks I will be keeping the media informed of the clandestine operations being carried out against this group. That is all. The floor is open to questions.”

Reporter: “Hi, I am Al from ABC Washington. I was wondering if the leaders of this group have been identified?”

Perino: “They have, but their names are classified. The authors of Everything Must Change and Jesus for President are on the list of suspects, but they appear to be the distributors of these ideas and not the actual insurgents themselves. This is a sneaky bunch.”

Reporter: “Hi, I was wondering what these insurgents are fighting for?”

Perino: “These insurgents appear to be against the freedom and democratic values that America stands for. We are a nation founded on the Christian principles of security, equity, and prosperity, and these insurgents appear to be against such things. They hate the American dream, and insist that the ‘first become last, and the last become first,’ and we find that to be a bunch of hogwash. Inherent in their politicization of the Kingdom of God, they feel that there should be a kingdom and not a democracy. To be against democracy is not just un-American, it is un-Christian. The FBI, CIA, and Department of Defense are working covertly through economic and psychological warfare to counter the radicalization of Christians who then join this group.”

Reporter: “Hello. If the insurgents in this group are citizens of the Kingdom of God, do they have duel citizenship in the US or are they to be considered enemy combatants?”

Perino: “Were you paying attention? I said they could be subject to extraordinary rendition, therefore they are not US citizens. These people have revoked there rights as US citizens by not participating in the global capitalist system and spreading propaganda that smells of communism. We have been unable to find the exact geographic location of the Kingdom of God, but when we do the US military is prepared to act first through maintaining an economic embargo, and other means as necessary.”

Reporter: “So if the Kingdom of God is found to be working against the peaceful ways of the United States, is the President’s administration is prepared to take military action?

Perino: “A preemptive strike is not out of the question.”

Reporter: “Well…if such a preemptive strike was to occur against the Kingdom of God, what would be the administration’s goals?”

Perino: “Technically, if this insurgency continues, America should invade the Kingdom of God and establish a democracy. I believe that’s our current policy.

“I would like to thank you all for coming; there will be no more questions at this time. God Bless the United States of America.”

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The author would like to thank Gary Crompton for the ideas behind this piece. Gary can be found roaming the hills of Scranton looking for Dwight Schrute.

Author Bio:: Thom Turner is an English Literature graduate student at Rutgers University. He is the Editor of Everyday Liturgy, a community blog discussing the intersection of liturgy, theology, and culture. Thom also is the leader of EmergentNJ, the emergent cohort of Northern New Jersey.

About Ariah Fine

Hi, my name is Ariah Fine. I’m 25, been married for four and a half years, the new father of a beautiful baby girl and I live in North Minneapolis. I blog about topics that are important to me, primarily my faith and my attempt to live my faith out in my day to day life. That usually consist of getting into the nitty gritty of finances, politics, ethics and relationships. I also do a bit of web design, so if your looking to hire some one for a project, let me know. My life in a comma separated series: parents, chicago, Jewish, hippyish, Stevens Point, me, 10-7-82, Keane, wow, Texarkana, Madison, Orchard Ridge, Blaster’s soccer, karate, Thrush ln., track and field, bike jumps, tmnt, birthday, walden way, Akira Toki, spartan football, ghost in the graveyard, Crosstowne community, black belt, barmitzvah, Memorial, Spartan soccer, track, High Point, youth group, Boundary Waters, Mexico, DCLA, South Dakota, knee surgery, CEL, Crossfire, DayOne, One Day, graduation, YWAM, Denver, Mauritania, Mindy, Gambia, London, Jews for Jesus, Camp Gilgal, Wheaton, T6, saga, CLC, IDS, water polo, IM soccer, first prez, Florida, Wedding 6-21-03, Atlanta, Americorps, wheaton graduation, Nashville, Vanderbilt, nursing, teaching…