Crest Falls, Iowa – In a town with only two churches some were excited to see St. Luke’s Episcopal Church advertise a new contemporary service.

“This really opened up the idea of returning to church for us. We were excited” said visitor Samantha Lewis. But that excitement soon turned to disappointment. “It was horrible. Simply atrocious.” Her husband added.

Saint Luke’s dates back to the 1930s where, for over 70 years, they have traditionally played hymns on Sundays. Pastor Anderson, who generally oversees the morning service, thought it would be a great idea to introduce a new style of worship
to this small town.

“What we were really trying to do was take back this town for Christ” He says. Evidently that first attempt failed. “Our worship team practiced all week, I really don’t know what happened.”

Parishioner Jim Matthews thinks he has a clear idea as to what went wrong. “We were expecting uplifting songs from Caedmon’s Call or Switchfootvbut had to endure Paul Baloche and Rich Mullins tunes. It just wasn’t contemporary enough.”

Head usher and acoustic guitar player John Skinner echoed the Pastor’s sentiments “We really played our hearts out this morning but it was like playing to a crowd of Methodists.”

Jason Freeman, a 14 year old youth group member and drummer had mixed feelings “I really wanted to jam on a Skillet song or something from Disciple but the older guys thought I was crazy.”

Most members agreed, the music was too slow, the vocals whiney, and the pipe organ was no substitute for a keyboard. “I felt like I was a kid again……..in a Catholic service” said one church-goer who asked to remain anonymous.

The music apparently wasn’t the only thing church members took issue with. Ms. Dorothy Hackney, a 57 year alumni with the church, said vocalist Kelly Pitts “Looked like a streetwalker, not someone to bring us into the presence of the Lord.” Kelly was wearing a pair of jeans and a tank top as she belted out “Open the Eyes of my Heart”.

Youth Pastor Stephen Daniels had petitioned the church for nearly two years to bring the new service to fruition. In the end he won out; but for how long? “We really wanted to go in a more Emergent direction eventually,” he said “This really sets us back a couple of years.”

Editor’s Note: This was a work of satire. Any similarities between actual people or churches is funny, but coincidental.

Author Bio:: Tim Baer is an urban Mennonite who lives in Baltimore with his four children, his wife, and a cat that pees everywhere but eats the mice so he can’t get rid of her. In his spare time he enjoys playing the drums, watching movies, and throwing down some mayhem in moshpits. He is also obsessed with Chik-Fil-A (A club, switch the meat, and a Dr. Pepper).

About Jason Cormier